Plan Ahead for Changes
As you begin to pack, shop, and plan for your son or daughter’s first year at Lafayette, your family may also want to take some time to envision what life will be like for each of you after the semester begins. Each family will experience their child’s leave-taking differently. Students from countries outside of the United States may encounter different feelings about leaving home and family than those who live only an hour away, parents who have not attended college may not know what changes to expect, and parents who are sending their last child off to school may wonder what life will be like with an “empty nest.” Planning ahead for changes that may occur can help the family adapt to its new “shape” and increase the chances that you will find these changes exciting and challenging instead of anxiety provoking and difficult.
There are a range of emotions and behaviors that young people and their families experience before they embark upon their college career. It would not be unusual for family members to feel an increase in tension and irritability. Your son or daughter may already be making the psychological adjustment to leaving home which may make them seem distant and uncommunicative. Arguments and difficult negotiations about what to bring to school and how to spend their time before they leave may be the first steps in an ongoing process of increased independence and self-reliance. Other students may want to savor all of their time with family and express doubts and uncertainties about leaving home. High school friendships and relationships with boyfriends and girlfriends may undergo similar changes, and it would not be unusual for painful break-ups to occur in the weeks leading up to departure.
Having a conversation with your student about how all of your lives will soon be changing before they leave for college will communicate to them that you understand that they will soon become more autonomous. Discuss your expectations for which family rules and expectations are flexible and which are not, but be open to hearing their ideas as well. Studies have found that college students really want to have discussions with their parents about such important subjects as alcohol, drugs, and sexuality, as long as they feel their parents respect their opinions and create an atmosphere of trust and openness.
After only a few weeks at college, your son or daughter will have made new friends, established a new schedule, and faced decisions about a variety of issues that they never encountered at home. Students who are experiencing living in the United States for the first time may face special challenges if they experience American culture as different from that of their native country. During the first few weeks of the semester you may receive phone calls and e-mails that alternate between enthusiasm and excitement for their “new” home and tearful pleas to return to your home. Parents can help their children to thrive by thinking of themselves as “coaches” who share strategies for achieving goals and solving problems rather than “fixing” the problems themselves. Encourage your child to seek on campus resources such as resident advisors, peer counselors, the Academic Resource Center, Career Services and the Counseling Center when they have questions about how to achieve their academic and personal goals.
Despite research that indicates that Lafayette parents and children feel very close to each other, students will still test the boundaries of their relationships with their parents during the first year of college. When visiting home they may resist traditional curfews or house rules after getting a taste of setting their own schedules and may question certain family values after being exposed to new ideas in the classroom and to individuals with different points of view. It would not be surprising for a first year student to want to spend their first visit home seeing friends from high school or even college friends who live nearby. And it would also not be unexpected for parents to feel a little hurt and disappointed by such behavior. To minimize conflict consider having a conversation about when to schedule time for the family to be together so that the student can plan other social engagements accordingly.
Some students will have a more difficult time with their college transition than others. Be prepared for some tears, listen patiently to their fears and concerns, and help them set small goals for charting their progress toward better adjustment. Students are often unrealistic about how easily they can establish close and meaningful friendships; they forget that their high school friends were formed over many years. You might suggest that they pay attention to the good things that happen and make a special effort to plan things at school to which they can look forward. Encourage them to get involved in their studies and in co-curricular activities, but be aware that in some cases, students are not quite ready to leave home.
The first time you leave your student at Lafayette is likely to be the most difficult, with both parents and students experiencing a mixture of joy and sadness. Even as you say good-bye, you will be looking forward to being together again for the first time. Be flexible and open to the changing nature of your relationship and enjoy seeing the intellectual, social, and personal growth that college life will foster,
Karen J. Forbes, Ph.D. -- Director of Counseling Services |
